This was from something i got from a friend, i wouldnt and wont say some of these words
How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle in left arm, holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and puch pill into back of the mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged beetween knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigerously.
7. Retreive cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouce to lay on cat with head just visibe from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pills are not harmful to humans, drink 1 bear to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouce's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retreive cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Drink another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door to neck, to leave head showing. force open mouth with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw teeshirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retreive the dang cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tighly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a big peice of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head virtically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pll down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouce to drive you to the emegancy room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap in bacon.
2. Toss in air. | 
